Effing Dykes Gifts: Exactly What Lies Below (Her Fingernails) | Autostraddle

This will be a particular Guest article by

Krista

of

Effing Dykes

! Effing Dykes is actually a queer girl blog site that is hilarious and wise and slightly perverse and
WE THINK IT’S GREAT
. Probably wouldn’t be a dreadful concept setting apart some time and get sucked into an Effing Dykes wormhole, for those who haven’t already. Just make sure you keep returning here to read through this post, because it’s special, as aforementioned.

Hiya lezzers!

I’ve got marshmallows and gluten-free graham crackers, so…

WHO WANTS TO NOTICE A SCARY STORY??

MWAH





HA HAHAHAHA!

Get your buddy. Everyone had gotten your own pal? Good. Hold on tight fast towards pal’s hand.

‘Cause this is certainly a genuine story.

Ahem.

Once upon a time, whenever I was actually thus newly homosexual I Did Not have any idea I Became recently gay…

An adult lesbian from the now-defunct queer club known as


Za’s


in Green Bay, Wisconsin

(I found myself entirely only there to dance)


provided me with some advice:

1)


Never ever open up a combined bank account together with your fan



2)


You should not fake orgasms



3)


Make certain a female’s nails tend to be thoroughly clean.

The wise lesbian was at the woman belated 40’s, a generation to date from my 19-years-old-with-a-fake-ID self that i really couldn’t also picture just what it ought to be want to be therefore ancient.

Just how unfortunate, I Imagined. Here she is at a bar and she’s outdated. I am hoping I don’t find yourself lonely like the girl.

Isn’t it fun to be the center of yours market?

Exactly what a tiny bit shit I became.

For reasons uknown, however, I walked away from

Za’s


that evening saying her three guidelines to my self.

As I woke upwards, I imagined of these.

It had been kind of like within the gold seat, when Polly and Eustace Scrubb are charged by Aslan to consider The Signs.


You shouldn’t act like you never re-read the Narnia boxed-set at least one time a-year.

In any event! over time, i recalled the 3 existence lessons the lesbian had taught myself. Her advice made sense.

We never ever unsealed a joint bank account with anyone.

I never ever faked sexual climaxes once more following first couple of occasions used to do it, realizing I became, indeed, dooming myself personally to a continuous pattern of shitty intercourse by worthwhile bad performance with my whines of “ecstasy.”

And I also constantly covertly checked a girl’s nails before I slept together.

Short? Check.

No abrasive sides? Examine.

Clean? It’s go time.

But exactly why, sluts?


What is the big issue about fingernails?


What is with all the short-nailed lesbian laughs? What?

I mean, alright, I get it. It’s tougher to screw with lengthy fingernails. You could possibly puncture a lung or something.

But it’s not difficult. I’ve had lengthy nails before for burlesque programs; screwin’ with ‘em isn’t all that difficult — you only ensure that you use the pads of one’s fingers.

So just why was that lesbian so emphatic about thoroughly clean fingernails?

You guys, she had been



SO. EMPHATIC.

I made the decision accomplish some debunking.

Surely nothing could actually happen to you in the event that you had gotten fucked by some one with filthy nails.

And I remembered a story very horrible I would almost overlooked it.

Homos.

Terrible shit can happen.

This terror story relates to you due to my personal good-looking pal ”


Cai



,” who’s seen even more vagina in heat than a kitty clinic on 100 % free Spay time.

All Right.

Cai


was in Miami whenever she met a very hot femme we’re going to call


Katie.

Katie


smelled like being a sugar snacks cooking, dressed in a leopard-print bikini, had enormous gold hoops that shimmered when you look at the light, and in addition possessed one of the finest asses


Cai


had ever before observed.

She covertly texted me personally an image of

Katie

from the pool so she could brag, and I texted right back,


“I would personally hit that till my hand decrease down.”

Therefore, yes,


Katie.

Cai


took


Katie


home that night. There were some severe sipping.

While getting undressed


Katie


in the half-light,


Cai


noticed anything she had not really noticed before:



Katie had cool fingernails.

Actually,




Katie




had a lengthy, rhinestone-tipped French manicure. Juuuust like Rihanna.

Cai


could not stop the emotional image of these fingernails clawing down the woman back while she fucked


Katie


, therefore animalistic intercourse commenced.

Cai


even permit

Katie


screw their, and even though she ordinarily never lets anybody accomplish that. Just what hell, she thought. Heading house the next day. Never ever see this woman again. I am able to get topped for every night.

Let’s fast-forward 2-3 weeks, shall we?

Anything was completely wrong with


Cai’s


“area.”

Seriously, seriously wrong. It itched. It burnt.

Some, um, greenish-yellowish stuff was actually oozing from it. As soon as we state some after all exorbitant. quantities. of. pus.

Cai


would not go to the lady-doctor.

Because becoming encouraging is exactly what relationship is all about, whenever she informed me, I said,


“and that means you ultimately had gotten the clap. Whorebag.”

Cai


laughed nervously. She moved house, googled “the clap” and became convinced that she did, certainly have actually gonorrhea. She went, the very first time ever before


(she was actually 28),


to your queer-friendly neighbor hood gyno clinic.

They did not understand what was wrong together.

They tested her for gonorrhea. They tried for syphilis, herpes, HPV, chlamydia, the works. Absolutely Nothing.

Cai


was in some discomfort. She needed responses. She was indeed getting the


‘pus’


in


“pussy”


for pretty much a month today.

So that they provided the lady an ultrasound.

AND COULD YOU DO YOU KNOW WHAT THEY FOUND.

Vaginal tears. All over the within the woman vag.

A whole load of tears.

Cai


were torn to shreds. Her insides were holding in ribbons. Appeared as if crepe paper birthday celebration designs inside.

And everything – every finally inch – ended up being infected.

It would seem whenever Katie made use of the woman fabulous very long fingernails giving

Cai


a vigorous drunk-fuck, no one understood that her nails had been additionally a festering breeding ground for



microbial vaginosis

.

Brilliant.

Cai


states happen a stone-cold leading since that time.

My personal best friend wikipedia says you may get nasty problems from dirty nails. Apparently, discover occasionally staphylococcus microbes hangin’ out, which could trigger anything from skin boils to motherfucking meningitis.

And guess what otherwise?

Pinworm eggs.

S’all I Am gonna say.

That wise lesbian was spot-on with her existence classes.

Never ever start a combined bank account along with your enthusiast.

Never fake sexual climaxes.

And holy mother of god, consider a trick’s fingernails before banging.

Or perhaps you tend to be destined to endure the fortune of Cai.

THE END

I have to wonder, though…

Have of y’all actually gotten such a thing terrible from another women’s hands?

Or been aware of someone that performed?

Or perhaps is this mainly



(‘cept for Cai)



a lesbian urban myth?

My personal hands are inching towards travel-sized Purell bottle.

I want answers.